you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize