My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
