Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
