This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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