when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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