i wish there were pregnant emoticons
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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