drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
