ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
