Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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