I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
