kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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