I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
