she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
