I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
