I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
