i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
