I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
