i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
