I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
