Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just had sex bonerless
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
