Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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