I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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