girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
