Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
