I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
