ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
