I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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