Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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