The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
