just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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