She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
