winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
