i wish my penis had a tongue
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
