The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
