well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
