I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
