just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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