great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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