I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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