So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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