Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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