2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize