if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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