just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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