Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We're too hungover to prance.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
