No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize