quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
