Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
