He uses pillows to masturbate.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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