Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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