He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
