Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My feet surprised me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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