1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
