Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
