I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
