I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
