at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
